Leon the Grandaddy!

My friend Leon just told me he's about to become a Grandad. . . . . he's 36!

His daughter went to the doctors yesterday to get the contaceptive implant removed because she felt it was causing her to put on weight. . . . after being sent to the hospital in turns out she's 41 weeks pregnant!

I know no contraceptive is 100% but thats just scary. So yesterday morning she was a 16 year old girl worried about putting on a little bit of weight and by the evening she was a 5 days overdue pregnant lady.

How do you cope with that as a family? He doesn't even live up here anymore, he lives in Brighton, with his husband (oh yeah. . . . he's now gay!) and has just opened up a doggy daycare business.. . . . he couldn't get camper if he tried! :D.

And imagine if she hadn't gone to the docs and just went into labour at school or at home alone :/

He's really excited bless him and is driving up here as I type. 

The human body is an amazing thing. . . . but it can bugger off if  wants to reject contraceptives and then hide your pregnancy for 9 months!

I remember his daughter being about 14 months old. . . . that is just soooo scary, where did the time go?

Bah Humbug!!

The only thing I like about Xmas is Mince Pies!

I'm really not joking!

And as I have had two packets already and its not even October, there isn't much Xmassy about them any more :/

Xmas means absolutely nothing to me. . . . absolutely nothing. . . . except GREED. People getting themselves into debt because they feel the need to smother their children with material possessions. And everyone feeling the need to eat their own bodyweight in food when half the world goes hungry :( . . . . Not that they would eat 'cheesy footballs' anyway! Who makes this xmas crap?? Children judging each other on how many toys they got, and parents competing with each other to supply their little darlings with the latest gadgets/clothes/toys.

Xmas makes me sad. . . It means nothing anymore to anyone except those lucky enough to believe in a god who sent his Son to earth to die.. . . for me!. . . . apparently.

Friends say "ahh but it's all about family", I do like to point out that for me its 'all about family' 365 days of the year, but they don't like that. I don't need one day to show my children how much I love them. . . . I get to do that every second of every minute that I spend with them.

I hate that every manufacturer jumps on an xmas bandwagon and suddenly all packaging is red & green, just to sell more. . . . just for profits. GREED.

And its unavoidable. . . . thats the worst thing. . . there is nowhere I can go where there is not some crappy tinsel hanging from the ceiling and stocking fillers and flashing santa earrings. I wonder when the music will start. . . . because thats when I get really depressed!!

I actually think I would prefer to go to a church at xmas because at least the people are there for the supposed right reason!! But I always feel like i'm about to burst into flame in churches. . . . so on second thoughts. . .

You think i'm ranty now? Wait until November! :p

Merry xmas one and all!

Love,
Paula xx

I Need a Man!

There are some days a girl just NEEDS a man. . . .

Today is one of those days :/

I want to watch as he gets all hot and sweaty, watch as his muscles bulge and strain with effort, watch as his breathing becomes laboured and shallow.

I need a man so much, and I can't do it by myself. . . .

Oh ladies, you know what i'm talking about. . . . . .




. . . . . I need some furniture moved!

I'm a strong, independent woman, but even I fail at some things :( I was supposed to wallpaper my daughter's new bedroom, but I can't because I can't move the bloody furniture. So now I have to wait for my Daddy to come help. *sigh*
That's Women's Lib for you :D

A Winter's Fail!

As hard and Northern as I am, I have noticed that bedtime is now getting a little chilly.

So for the first time ever I am thinking of buying a thicker Tog duvet....I have a 4 Tog all year round at the moment. Maybe I could just buy some pyjamas, but I like to sleep just in my pants, so I think pyjamas would basically annoy me!

There are so many duvets to choose from!!

Actually I could just close my window. . . . . that might help! :P

The kid's also have my warm blood so our house is usually not much warmer than a fridge anyway :D 

I wish you all a snuggly, warm bedtime xx

Love,
Paula xx

The Poverty Line?

I was reading an article earlier (can't remember which) and was shocked to be told that like 3.5 million other children in the UK, my children are being brought up below the poverty line.

Excuse me? What now?

Yes, apparently because the weekly income in our home, after housing costs, is below £300 we are 'Income Poor' :(

This has confused me somewhat as my children want for absolutely nothing....ever. We have a roof over our heads, food in the cupboards (Ok, it never gets used! See Previous Post!), hot water, heating, laundry facilities, etc.

We also have three televisions, a satellite TV subcription, the internet (HAHA ok this netbook is on its last legs and dies if I try to do more than one thing at a time! but still!), and a car (a 13 year old tempremental bugger, but I love it none the less).

We have a take-away meal treat once or twice a week and they have clean clothes and shoes.

I'm not sure where the 'poverty' comes in? I feel very fortunate.

I don't feel I go without either, yes I buy most of my clothes in charity shops, but this is from choice than necessity. I have recently stopped drinking alcohol again (I had previously stopped for about 4 years), so i'm a cheap date *hint hint* :P  I still treat myself to going to a hairdressers and salon every 8 weeks and I want something, I save up for it. Maybe it's because i'm careful with money and completely un-materialistic, and I have passed this on to my children.

So we may be statistically money poor, but we are rich in Love and Life, and in the end this is all that matters.

Obviously it would still be nice to win the lottery!....I have my eye on a gorgeous house in the Lakes and I can open up my own second-hand bookshop, not caring about profit...just being able to read all day.....and sniff old books! :D

It was such a sensible post until that last paragraph! hehe

Love,
Paula xx

The L Word

No, not Lesbians! *tuts*

L-O-V-E . . . Love :)

(Get the violins ready!)
My parents have never once said 'I Love You' to either my brother or me.. . . I know they do. . . now. . but as a child/teen how do you know unless you are told? Maybe because of this when I do say it, I mean it absolutely and unconditionally, but is it enough?

The first time someone told me they Loved me, I was 16 and in a clumsy state of undress with a boy I'd met in college. Even then I knew his 'I Love You' meant 'I'd Love to Fuck You'. ... so I let him.

The second person to tell me they Loved me did so whilst I was fully clothed and sitting on a sofa, we'd already done the nudey rudies a fair few times, so I knew he must have meant it!. . . . so I married him.

I was 19 and thought it would be forever.  3 years later we split.

The third person to say 'I Love You' told me this before we'd even met. We were in a cyber relationship. So of course he must have meant it :/ . . . He wanted me to move closer to him. . . . so I did.

Worst decision of my life, but I'd made my bed so I was damn well gonna lay in it, miserably, for 3 years.

The fourth person to tell me they Loved me waited 6 weeks to do so, but also asked me to marry them at the same time. . . . . kind of like buy one, get one free! Well if someone wants to marry you, they must Love you. . . . so I said yes.

Actually the 3 times i've been engaged, I was asked around 6 weeks into the relationship. hmmmm that's actually quite interesting, not sure what it means, just noticed as I was typing :)

So this brings me round to myself!

I have Love for my friends, the 'I Love you guys' kind of Love.
I have Love for my children, the 'I would walk barefoot on glass for you' kind of Love.
I have Love for my family, the 'I appreciate everything you have done for me' kind of Love.

And I know these men who loved me, I loved, but in completely different ways. My husband I Loved because he Loved me. The cyber relationship I Loved because he was my chance of escape, the fourth I Loved because he was handsome and popular with the ladies, but I had him.
I believed I loved them all at the time.

But it was never pure :(

It was never the Love that burns deep in your soul, the Love that churns your stomach, the Love that glows in your eyes, the Love that rushes through you like a hurricane when they speak your name, the Love that shines like the stars. . . the Love that lasts forever.

To feel that would be bliss. . . .

Just once, before I die.

Love (and I mean it!),
Paula xx

9/11 Memory x

I guess there will be a lot of these blog posts over the next few days....10 years and I can still picture it all vividly, as i'm sure can all who are old enough to remember. But then I wonder now what I actually remember and what has been filled in by the News from days after?

I was living in Glasgow at the time with my daughter and a boyfriend. We had decided to take a short holiday and I chose a place that I visited often as a child/teen with my family.

A place where my friend Les describes to perfection in his blog:
http://lesism.blogspot.com/2011/08/spiritual-homecoming.html
(Check him out!!! he's awesome...but not like a hot dog! Thank you Eddie Izzard for the loan of that joke xx)

We were staying in a log cabin on the side of Loch Goil, in a holiday village overlooking the loch. We had spent the morning in the on-site swimming pool and having had dinner, I of course had a little sleep (really no surprise to anyone who knows me!), whilst my daughter and my boyfriend had gone for a wander.

When I awoke I switched on the TV as I walked past, to pop the kettle on for a lovely cup of tea. Leaving the kettle to boil, I walked back to the TV and wondered what weird disaster movie I was watching.....so I changed channels...only to be confronted by the same images :( I remember just standing watching...but now I don't remember whether I saw the second plane hit or whether my brain has just filled in the blanks.

I was standing on the little balcony looking over the loch, lost in a world of thought, when my daughter and my boyfriend returned a short time later, full of laughter and stories of their adventures. The look on my face enough to stop them short...

I remember sobbing as the towers fell....and being heartbroken for all those people stuck inside and also their families. But I also remember being annoyed by the News broadcasters for making guesses about who had carried out the attacks.

I kept the TV on until the early hours of the 12th because new footage was being brought forward all the time and I just needed to see it. I'm not sure why.....

I don't remember anything of the rest of our little holiday, which is not really surprising, it all kind of faded into the background.
I have also never been back to Loch Goil, as I moved down to Wales less than a year later and life kind of took over.

I wonder how it would feel if I were there now, stood looking over the loch? Would I remember 10 years ago and recall those feelings of horror? Or would it be more like my childhood when jets would fly down the valley and scare the pants off my brother and me as we sat in a rowing boat on the loch :D?

I would hope it would be the latter but it would be interesting to find out :)

Love,
Paula xx

To your good elf!

With my growing excitement for the first part of the Hobbit film being released in December, I would like to talk about Elves!

Since the Lord of the Rings films have been out, I've been accused of resembling an Elf about 5 times! Most recently it was my nose that inspired comment.

If only it were more comments about how much I look like Liv Tyler....ho hum :p

For example being made to pose with sticky-out ears as above... (go on, they say, it'll be funny! you look like an Elf!)


Anyone who knows me also knows I have the teeniest, tiniest ears in the world and could therefore never be allowed in an Elf gang!

My ex boyfriend even went so far as to have my Elven name 'Nibenwen', translated into Elvish (that's not Elvis with a speech impedimemt!) and tattooed on his upper arm. (well at least he can tell his next girlfriend it's not a real word! :P)

I would hope it is my long flowing limbs, ethereal nature, calm and content ways that remind these kind souls of Elves...and not my ability to turn psychotic in an instant like Galadriel :D

And actually of all the peoples to be likened to, Elves are the coolest! I'd be quite upset if likened to a Dwarf :/

Plus I could have a bow and arrow!

So if you could be any race of peoples from the Tolkien mind which would you choose?

The Poem Dream

Had a little nap earlier...don't remember any of the dream..but awoke with this in my head.

"She sat patiently

She waited

Not too far away

He hesitated

She had slipped through his fingers

But still often skipped through his mind."


I kind of liked it :) I'll probably find out it's some long lost song lyrics now :D

Love,
Paula xx

..a rose by any other name..

I'm thinking about changing my surname back to my original one...

Earlier this year would have been my 15th Wedding Anniversary (Crystal for anyone wondering!), had I stayed married.  I was of course a child bride :D
I haven't been married for 12 years! (Silk, coulda bought myself some silky lingerie had it been a celebration!)

However I kept the surname. I felt it would make things easier as my daughter went to School etc, having the same surname. Which to be fair it did. However her dad got re-married a while ago and it started to feel weird having the same name....although not weird enough to do anything about it.

Today at the School of my youngest two I got called 'Mrs Oates', which kinda creeped me out a bit. a) that's not my name (cue the Ting Tings) and b) I'm no longer with their Father so never will be 'Mrs Oates'! It made me think it would be nice to have my maiden name back....Maiden! Ha! quickly heading for Crone more like :D
More awkwardly the Daughter of said ex-husband is in the same class as my Son...We get along fine, so no issues there, just if i'm signing stuff will they get the right Mum??

But then I guess i'll always be 'Mrs Oates' to the School....because thats the kids' name.
Plus I still have 4 years on my passport and i'm too stingy to go changing that! :D

And 4 years down the line I might even be married to someone else and have a completely different name!

Sod it....I'll stick with it a while longer :D

Love,
Paula xx

Skool Daze!

With all my children now at school I have been thinking back to my own school days :)

And I wonder if I was the only person who loved school?

It was the ultimate in socialising hang-out! What was not to love? Yeah, sure, the lessons got in the way sometimes...but soon the bell would go and the talking would start.

I never bunked off/skived off once....ok thinking back i'm talking from age 4-16 here....16-18 is a whole other kettle of fish :D  By then I had a car, had smokes, had music and had 2 friends Scott and Nathan whom i blame entirely for my misbehaviour ;p It worked out ok for them...one is an Army sergeant type thing and the other is an amazing bass player/teacher.

I would wake up every morning looking forward to every lesson to catch up with everyone. This is the days  before computers (we had BBC Acorns at school, but they don't really count!), and before the days of mobile phones. so the hours of 8:35am-2:45pm were my life!

I had no clique, I was friendly with everyone, and everyone accepted me as I was...dyed black hair, pink duffle coat, weirdo ways, the lot!  :) Or maybe they didn't accept me...but luckily I have never really cared about what others think about me, so never noticed.

I write all this because my eldest daughter detests school and at the start of every year she gets upset and begs to be home-schooled. This year is even worse because she has been put down a set in Maths and Science and as she wants to be a Doctor, to her gloomy pessemistic brain, this is the end of the world. Also a boy who 'bothers' her seems to be in all her classes. This poor boy basically just fancies her like mad but his 13 year old brain thinks that if he makes comment about her body, that she'll suddenly fall madly in love with him :D
Somehow this has all become my fault....I don't care enough...and why am I not the perfect Mother she craves?

Am I the only one who transition through these first 15/16 years without drama?

Even as my mind started to mess with me from the age of 13, school became my rock. I wish I could fix this for my daughter :(

Love,
Paula xx

Warning!! May bore you! ;p

This one is probably going to be a bit heavier than most of my posts...It's a piece about my more recent background.

It's about love and such stuff :) Look away now if easily nauseous ;p

I realised last night that this period in time is the longest I have been single since I was 17....I'm now 35! That's a lot of time with a lot of men (no, not THAT many!!). I wonder if I'm a serial relationshipper??

And if so, is that a bad thing?

I met my last boyfriend before I'd even broken up with the one before. Not that anything happened...I am 100% faithful. Of course I found him attractive...but I find things attractive every day...men...women...trees...

After I split with the other bloke we had dalliances, and as I was now homeless and sleeping on a mutual friend's bedsit floor he was there most of the time too. I was very mentally unstable at this point in my life, doing very dodgy and unsuitable things which I may go into in the future. I knew he wasn't 'right' for me but I carried on regardless.  He was 18....I was 27. (I thought he was older...he thought I was younger), he was a spoilt baby, he had no desire to work..

.....but we stayed together for 7 years.

By the end it was very obviously not working, and I know I was equally to blame. I had/have (still rears its ugly head now and then) body image issues, I have food control issues (but luckily no longer have the anorexia and bulimia that I used to), and I no longer found him attractive, mind or body.

He still had no desire to work, he would sit all day on computer games (Minecraft still causes me to itch!), he was still spoilt, he would pout like a baby, he would eat too much and was morbidly obese, and he always blamed others for anything that went wrong.....but then that was him at 18 so why should I have expected any different? I suppose I hoped the addition of 2 children would have made him, to coin a phrase, 'man-up'.

I went to Psychosexual counselling because he said I had a problem....yes I did have a problem. The thought of having sex with him made me feel physically sick. Both because of my own body image issues and the fact that his body disgusted me...I feel like an absolute witch writing that :( ...Love is not all about the physical attraction but there was no mental stimulation either....we could have a laugh....we still do....but then he would disappear into his computer world and me into my TV world. I notice that my TV rarely stays on now after the kids have gone to bed.

I need to be mentally stimulated to be physically stimulated.....If you capture my mind..my body is already halfway there ;p

I started us both on Weight Watchers and laterly Slimming World to try to rectify this...hoping it would still work out. But it was far too late.

To prove his cowardice he left one evening when I'd taken the kids to see my parents, he just left. No goodbye to his children...just left. He did leave a note blaming me for not doting on him...that kind of summed up our 7 years.
I was never angry with him leaving me...I lay no claim to anyone's heart...I was very angry that he could do that to his own children...but that has passed. He now wishes he could take it all back and we could go back....back to what? There is nothing to go back to.

I am happier now than I have been in many, many years....and yes I would love to share my life with someone and have conversations about random things, and laugh and love, and have them stimulate me mentally and physically..............and physically some more ;p...but if it doesn't happen then so be it.

I am not going to let it worry my pretty little head :D

Love,
Paula xx

My baby has all grown up :(

My youngest child starts 'big school' this week.... my beautiful bouncing baby boy.  :(

He's four and a half, blonde haired and has crazy multi-coloured eyes....and still my baby...

I think i'm just feeling sorry for myself. A lot of my friends or friend's partners are pregnant or have just had babies, and I miss having a tiny scrap of life being completely dependent on me, but if i'm being logical, there is not much chance of me having another. HAHA I don't even have a man!!

Realistically, the chances of me meeting someone, spending enough time with them to decide we'd be good parents together, and then getting pregnant are slim. I know people can have babies well into their 40s but the ability to safely carry full term decreases dramatically after 40. I have 5 years until then :)

My friend Spiff calls it 'ovary bluetooth', saying that women can't help themselves when other women are pregnant or have newborns, that it's inbuilt :D I think the whole 'my baby' going to school thing isn't helping.

I'm sure i'll be over it by half-term in October :P

And anyway...men are far too complex! I'm a simple girl with simple needs. You treat me nice, I treat you like a King!
I think a trip to Ann Summers would be easier in the long run!

Love,
Paula xx

(that bunble of joy is now in my bed poking me with his knees....I wouldn't change it for the world!)

Parents!

Sitting here at 7:30am on a gloriously sunny morning in September, I recollect something my mum said yesterday at her dinner table.

She said that anyone who said 'Mam' instead of 'Mum', should be shot....Hang on...what??? Not just looked at with pity but actually shot? Bit harsh there oh Mother of mine!  Considering where we live, where basically everyone says 'Mam' that's a lot of casualties or fatalities. And who is going to clear it all up? Those Polish people you accuse of stealing jobs??

I've noticed over the years as my Dad gets calmer and more patient my Mum has turned into the psycho bigot from hell! :o She just says stuff without even thinking or more likely regurgitates from The Daily Mail :/

My Parents both turn 60 next year and have their 40th (Ruby) Wedding Anniversary.....fairplay, thems some impressive innings! Actually seeing in written down it's bloody fantastic! Well done Mater et Pater xx

But i'm glad my Dad is going deaf because my Mum would drive him crazy otherwise :D

p.s I managed 3 years of marriage....go me!!

Love,
Paula xx