This one is probably going to be a bit heavier than most of my posts...It's a piece about my more recent background.
It's about love and such stuff :) Look away now if easily nauseous ;p
I realised last night that this period in time is the longest I have been single since I was 17....I'm now 35! That's a lot of time with a lot of men (no, not THAT many!!). I wonder if I'm a serial relationshipper??
And if so, is that a bad thing?
I met my last boyfriend before I'd even broken up with the one before. Not that anything happened...I am 100% faithful. Of course I found him attractive...but I find things attractive every day...men...women...trees...
After I split with the other bloke we had dalliances, and as I was now homeless and sleeping on a mutual friend's bedsit floor he was there most of the time too. I was very mentally unstable at this point in my life, doing very dodgy and unsuitable things which I may go into in the future. I knew he wasn't 'right' for me but I carried on regardless. He was 18....I was 27. (I thought he was older...he thought I was younger), he was a spoilt baby, he had no desire to work..
.....but we stayed together for 7 years.
By the end it was very obviously not working, and I know I was equally to blame. I had/have (still rears its ugly head now and then) body image issues, I have food control issues (but luckily no longer have the anorexia and bulimia that I used to), and I no longer found him attractive, mind or body.
He still had no desire to work, he would sit all day on computer games (Minecraft still causes me to itch!), he was still spoilt, he would pout like a baby, he would eat too much and was morbidly obese, and he always blamed others for anything that went wrong.....but then that was him at 18 so why should I have expected any different? I suppose I hoped the addition of 2 children would have made him, to coin a phrase, 'man-up'.
I went to Psychosexual counselling because he said I had a problem....yes I did have a problem. The thought of having sex with him made me feel physically sick. Both because of my own body image issues and the fact that his body disgusted me...I feel like an absolute witch writing that :( ...Love is not all about the physical attraction but there was no mental stimulation either....we could have a laugh....we still do....but then he would disappear into his computer world and me into my TV world. I notice that my TV rarely stays on now after the kids have gone to bed.
I need to be mentally stimulated to be physically stimulated.....If you capture my mind..my body is already halfway there ;p
I started us both on Weight Watchers and laterly Slimming World to try to rectify this...hoping it would still work out. But it was far too late.
To prove his cowardice he left one evening when I'd taken the kids to see my parents, he just left. No goodbye to his children...just left. He did leave a note blaming me for not doting on him...that kind of summed up our 7 years.
I was never angry with him leaving me...I lay no claim to anyone's heart...I was very angry that he could do that to his own children...but that has passed. He now wishes he could take it all back and we could go back....back to what? There is nothing to go back to.
I am happier now than I have been in many, many years....and yes I would love to share my life with someone and have conversations about random things, and laugh and love, and have them stimulate me mentally and physically..............and physically some more ;p...but if it doesn't happen then so be it.
I am not going to let it worry my pretty little head :D
Love,
Paula xx
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