No, not Lesbians! *tuts*
L-O-V-E . . . Love :)
(Get the violins ready!)
My parents have never once said 'I Love You' to either my brother or me.. . . I know they do. . . now. . but as a child/teen how do you know unless you are told? Maybe because of this when I do say it, I mean it absolutely and unconditionally, but is it enough?
The first time someone told me they Loved me, I was 16 and in a clumsy state of undress with a boy I'd met in college. Even then I knew his 'I Love You' meant 'I'd Love to Fuck You'. ... so I let him.
The second person to tell me they Loved me did so whilst I was fully clothed and sitting on a sofa, we'd already done the nudey rudies a fair few times, so I knew he must have meant it!. . . . so I married him.
I was 19 and thought it would be forever. 3 years later we split.
The third person to say 'I Love You' told me this before we'd even met. We were in a cyber relationship. So of course he must have meant it :/ . . . He wanted me to move closer to him. . . . so I did.
Worst decision of my life, but I'd made my bed so I was damn well gonna lay in it, miserably, for 3 years.
The fourth person to tell me they Loved me waited 6 weeks to do so, but also asked me to marry them at the same time. . . . . kind of like buy one, get one free! Well if someone wants to marry you, they must Love you. . . . so I said yes.
Actually the 3 times i've been engaged, I was asked around 6 weeks into the relationship. hmmmm that's actually quite interesting, not sure what it means, just noticed as I was typing :)
So this brings me round to myself!
I have Love for my friends, the 'I Love you guys' kind of Love.
I have Love for my children, the 'I would walk barefoot on glass for you' kind of Love.
I have Love for my family, the 'I appreciate everything you have done for me' kind of Love.
And I know these men who loved me, I loved, but in completely different ways. My husband I Loved because he Loved me. The cyber relationship I Loved because he was my chance of escape, the fourth I Loved because he was handsome and popular with the ladies, but I had him.
I believed I loved them all at the time.
But it was never pure :(
It was never the Love that burns deep in your soul, the Love that churns your stomach, the Love that glows in your eyes, the Love that rushes through you like a hurricane when they speak your name, the Love that shines like the stars. . . the Love that lasts forever.
To feel that would be bliss. . . .
Just once, before I die.
Love (and I mean it!),
Paula xx
Beautiful. I truly wish that you find that feeling x
ReplyDeleteThank you :) There is always hope xx
ReplyDeleteDearest Paula,
ReplyDeleteYou write beautifully, and this is an excellent, personal post. I'd add only one more LOVE, that above all, will help you attract the bliss you are hoping to find, and that's the love for yourself.
Without it, another's love for you will seem bleak and meaningless. With it, you will attract that burning, seductive, "kick-you-in-the-gut sensation of unconditional love because others will know it's what you want and deserve.
eden
;)
Eden - Thank you so very much xx
ReplyDeleteI am rubbish at the self-love (haha NOT that kind!). I've always put myself at the end of a very long line of people.
It's hard to start off loving yourself when you have no foundation. Not blaming my parents there. Just can see a correlation :)
My degree course has given me a huge boost in self-esteem and self-worth. I am working every day on my body image issues, but these are deep seated from puberty unfortunately.
I no longer avoid mirrors! So that's a start :D
Confidence has been knocked recently but I'm getting back to where I was May/June time when I felt like Wonder Woman.
Thank you for you kind words.
Aw...I know what you mean about parents. Mine were not the touchy feely type either, and we never said "I love you" or gave hugs. I learned affection much later in life from seeing how my friends interacted with their parents. I like the physical demonstration of love - a hug, pecks on cheeks. It's very little, but I think human beings should be touched regularly. Kids need it, why shouldn't adults?
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel like Wonder Woman again soon, so long as you don't look like her. I mean, who wants those pointed conical boobs?
;) eden
It's all the little physical demonstrations I miss and that seem to be forgotten about first in longer term relationships. :(
ReplyDeleteLove my kid's hugs...but sometimes I want to be the hugee and not the hugger. Or just a joint hugger would do :D
Love the feeling of being enveloped and snuggling in xx
HAHA after 3 children my boobs are anything but conical!
I do look good in knee high red boots though :P
Glad it's not just my parents who never showed affection! Even now they don't say they love me. Occasional hug though! I'm sure you'll find the right guy soon, you seem to have kissed enough frogs! X
ReplyDeleteHAHA!
ReplyDeleteThanks :)
I have kissed far too many frogs. . . not that I'm complaining, kissing is goooood :P